My Yucky Voice

"Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building other up according to their needs, that is may benefit those who listen." Ephesians 4:29

I lost my voice.

I have not been able to speak above a whisper as of Saturday morning. Sort of annoying. Sort of challenging. I  have not been able to talk a lot, sing, be heard across a room, explain myself quickly, ask for what I want, order coffee at a drive though, speak loudly at my children, sing worship music at church... it is amazing how much I talk - or make noise, really. This has been a challenge...a convicting challenge.

I talk too much. I talk to fill silence. I talk to be heard. The two ways this has challenged me the most are in conversations with others and in speaking with and to my children.

When I talk to others, am I taking time to hear them, or am I just thinking about what I want to say next? Are my words a benefit to them, or are they just noise? Really? Am I saying something worth saying?

I was able to meet with a friend from high school who was in town and was amazed/ashamed of myself. I found myself straining to talk with her with my yucky, sick voice, but mostly rambling and making noise. I found myself wanting other people in the conversation (not my friend, my own mother-how terrible am I?) to stop talking so that I could be heard - so my horrible, raspy voice could be heard. Fortunately, a thought came upon me in the midst of that conversation... a quiet thought that probably turned into a shout that was probably the prompting of the Holy Spirit: "I value that person. That person is of worth to me." Woah. Really. That was not born within my selfish mind. That's some powerful truth. God values us. Each of us. He knows our worth - He died for each of us, after all. And here I am, wanting others to hush up, so I can be heard. Ugh. How ugly I can be!

And then there's my children. I cannot shout across the room, "J! Buddy - stop that. Be nice! Be kind! What did you do?!" "Duke! No! That's a stop!" Instead, I am forced to approach my children. To go to them, to crouch down and whisper in their ear..."Hey love, let's choose kindness instead. I know you're a big boy who is such a good big bro. So let's choose kindness, ok?" "Hey Duke...come here buddy. That's not for you. That will hurt you." And those whispers have probably been louder than any shouting I have done. The choice to walk across the room instead of just talking louder to be heard, to approach my boys, to talk with kindness and quiet love, to choose my words carefully because my voice will only go so far... to speak words that will truly benefit them.

God, I pray for this to stay with me. I pray that I will get beyond myself and see the worth of all people. I pray that I will value my children and approach them with quiet kindness, with love, with intentional words.

I fear I'll forget this. I fear that my voice will return and I will just talk again. I will speak loudly to be heard. I will shout across a room instead of choosing to stop and go to my child, to any person really, to take their hand and speak words that matter. I pray I will remember their worth. I pray I won't forget this.

I desire to use my words to benefit others. I desire to value people, really, the way they are valued by our Savior. I desire to see beyond myself. God, please change my voice - not just in healing it and giving it back to me, but change my voice, that I may be aware and that my words will be words that speak love, truth, kindness, guidance, acceptance...

"Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building other up according to their needs, that is may benefit those who listen." Ephesians 4:29