Contentment

Happy New Year! How crazy is it that it's 2013? That means this year will mark…14 years since I graduated from high school, 10 years since I graduated from college, 8 years of marriage, a 5 year-old birthday, a 3 year-old birthday…a 33 year old birthday! And I guess I'll mention my husband's 32nd birthday…yes, I married a younger man. What a year it will be!

Yesterday Reid and I were talking about the ever-present topic in our lives: his career. There are so many unknowns. What exactly will he do? Where? When? How much more training? Research or not? ICU? Pediatrics? Colorado? Utah? Somewhere new? The list goes on and on. It's funny because we talk about it all the time, but I don't think the conversation changes much. And here's the truth that's rooted in that conversation… I am struggling with contentment.

I spend a lot of time wondering about what's to come…and I don't want to. I want to be present. But apparently I don't really know how to do that. I guess I like to know the countdown…how many days until we're done with this? I've always been into the countdown. Ask my college roommate. I always counted down every semester. I did it as a teacher. I counted down to my wedding day, my children's due dates, trips, visitors… I still do it. But now, there is no countdown. There are just days and days laid out before us.

This is a good thing. This is exciting. It means adventure and possibilities. It means an awesome unknown that God has planned for us and it is good. But do I trust this? Do I trust that He has ordained all of our days? That He knows that plan and that I don't need to right now? That it will all be revealed in its time? I would say that my spinning mind is evidence that I do not trust Him. Boo. That's ugly. The God who provides, sustains, loves…

I do not make new years resolutions. But I do contemplate my life and my actions and my choices. So…how can I choose to be present? How can I choose to embrace and enjoy this time? How can I make myself enjoy Nashville and residency and new friends and uncomfortable transitions?

I trust.

I pour into His word and let it remind me of His promises:

"'I know the plans I have for you', declares the Lord, 'Plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.'" Jeremiah 29:11

"For we are his workmanship, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do." Ephesians 2:10

"Before I formed you in the womb I knew you, before you were born I set you apart." Jeremiah 1:5

"The heart of man plans his way, but the Lord establishes his steps." Proverbs 16:9

I want so badly to be present. To enjoy now. To be grateful.

Do you have a secret to being present? Do you do something to remind yourself to look up and enjoy what's in front of you? If so, tell me! I know the truest form of wisdom will only come from the Lord…but advice from a good friend has it's place.

I will be praying for trust and for embracing this place in our life...

Lord God…please help me to trust You, to be present and intentional, to trust where You have us and why and Your perfect timing in all things. You have never let me down. Please help me to know this always and to honor You.
~ Amen

Hope.

Well, well…look who's back.  It's been 8 months since I've posted.  A lot of life has happened in that space. There are a lot of things I could have posted about, but honestly, I just didn't want to.  For a while there, I was just sick of my own thoughts: this is hard. i am lonely. i am lost. i am tired. i am angry. i am stuck.

And that's about how I felt for a while. But, thank God. Because He sustains and His truth reigns: 

"Because of the Lord's great love we are not consumed, 

for his compassions never fail.

They are new every morning;

Great is your faithfulness.

I say to myself, 'The Lord is my portion;

therefore I will wait for him"

Lamentations 3:22-24

After my sweet, sweet weekend trip to Salt Lake City, something started to turn and change and grow…hope! Being in the midst of dear friends was such an encouragement to me. True friends who spoke truth into my life, with their words, actions, perspectives, helped me to realign with what is real: God's love. His never-ending, always available, fight through it all kind of love. I seemed to forget, even though I kept saying it, that He was in the thick of it with me. And once I remember that, I was able to breathe. 

A few months later I realized something - I was happy. It had been weeks since I'd cried, felt defeated, felt sad, sad, sad. A few months later still, and here I am. Is this place in my life, easy, consistent and comfortable? Nope. But I've learned a thing or two… 

God is with me in the hard stuff.
God is always good.
God has taken care of us every step of the way.
Sometimes I miss His blessings in my life.
Sometimes I forget that He knows better than me.
Sometimes I forget that the toughest moments in life are with purpose.

He has never failed me. 

Will I forget this again? Probably. Will it always be true? Absolutely.

And just to add of dose of how He has blessed me:

A silly, sweet Duke who makes me laugh daily.

A thoughtful, fun J who brings such light into my life.

A family that loves me and is here for me.

This.

 And this.

And this.

A husband whom I love, am proud of and want to go through life's tough stuff with.

The blessing of being "mom".

 

And then there are the moments when it all becomes so clear: life is precious. 

Life is hard, but life is precious. My thoughts keep taking me back to hard things, to heart aches, to hard truths that I have been confronted with in just the past month, past week, past day…and prayerfully, we take those hard things and we turn with them to our God. Because without Him, how do we do this? How do we have hope? He is our hope. 

"May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in Him, so you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit." Romans 5:5

"And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom he has given us." Romans 5:5 

"Surely God is my help; the Lord is the one who sustains me." Psalm 54:4

We go MARCH-ing on, on… hurrah! hurrah!

How is it the end of March?! So crazy. And super crazy that McSweety now has just over 2 rotations left and then we're done with intern year. Can I get an "AMEN"?

Speaking of crazy, that's pretty much what life has been. In the last month or so, we… got a dog, had to return the dog, committed to training for the Nashville Rock n' Roll half marathon, went to Gatlinburg for a week, got a new dog, enjoyed a week at home with Daddy, had visitors, went to the zoo, did an Easter Egg hunt and enjoyed some serious sun. Whew. 

Now for a few details: the dog. We adopted a mix breed puppy and after a few days, it was pretty obvious that he was not a healthy pup. He was basically pulling himself around by his front paws because his back legs stopped working. Heart-breaking. Even more heart-breaking: telling J-man we had to give the dog back. Fortunately we had adopted him from a Christian agency and they happily took him back and are working to get him healthy (at least that's what they told us and that's what we're choosing to believe for forever). And so… you can't take away a three year olds new puppy and just be done with it. Therefore, please welcome our newest boy (yep, I was suckered into a boy… when am I going to get some girl power in this house?!) Are you ready for his name… courtesy of J:

Captain Finn Flynn Wally Gurgleguts Phelps - aka - Finn

He's a sweet boy. Golden Retriever. 12 weeks. 

He will be my bodyguard and sweet company on those long nights alone.

And hooray for vacation!!! We were super blessed with two weeks of freedom! We took advantage of it by spending 6 days in Gatlinburg, TN. Let me tell you - super fun and super odd. It's like a redneck version of Las Vegas. Seriously. I don't even know how to explain it, but you you love mini golf on every block, random "believe if or not" type museums, "As seen on TV superstores" and a wealth of other random, corny tourist attractions, then it is the place for you. We did have so much fun and the Smoky Mountains are quite lovely (nope, they are not mountains like we know and love, but they were beautiful all the same). We enjoyed a couple hikes and had slow, unplanned days. Awesome. Oh - and the Gatlinburg Aquarium is super awesome. No lie. 

McSweety & J-man

Me and the Duke… who I carried up the trail in the carrier. Oh. So. Heavy.

My boys… oops. J has his eyes closed. Aren't those handsome eyelids?

Daddy and his little dudes.

One of J-man's newest obsessions is pirates. He was super excited when we saw this pirate flag at the aquarium. No, he was not just carrying around a pirate sword. The exhibit provided it for the photo op. It was too funny because he was so serious when we were taking this picture - as if this pirate captain takes his job very seriously.

A just a great shot of McSweety…oh, I mean Duke. Gosh, it's hard to tell them apart. For real. Have you ever seen such a little daddy clone?!

The Duke in the sandbox (during his time off, McSweety built the boys and rocking' sandbox with a serious fort over it. So cool!) You may be wondering what this face is all about. It means, "but MOOOOM! I want more water to play with and dump all over myself!"

And my J-man at the Easter Egg hunt. Umm…check out those cool kicks. That was our splurge at the Pigeon Forge (yes, there's a town in Tennessee called Pigeon Forge) outlet stores. And J was so excited about his bucket full of eggs. What a handsome little man.

And now for some nitty-gritty… let's see. Intern year? I'm over it. I mean, it's been fine in a lot of ways. My hubby is truly thriving at Vanderbilt. He loves it. I am so thankful! I can tell he's doing so well and really feeling like Vanderbilt is a great place for him (Ok, I'm also hoping he doesn't get too comfortable…not sure I'm ready to commit to Nashville for the rest of my life). The boys are good. I often fret about James and school decisions, but that's for another day. And my constant prayer for both of them is that sweet friends come into their lives. We have some little buddies that we are super grateful for, but just praying for those sweet, easy friendships (like the ones we miss).

And me… I always seem to give the run-down of how my boys are doing, as if that covers me and maybe takes the attention away from me. So, honestly, there are great days and there are crap days. My biggest struggle continues to be loneliness and a desire for community and authenticity. I just didn't realize it would be so hard! I have often felt like I go unnoticed, and that sucks. There are days when I'm tempted toward judgement, annoyance, anger… and a host of other emotions. I think the best way to describe this search for friends, community, a place is that it's just exhausting. I'm tired of it. It takes so much energy to show up at another Mom's Group, another playdate, another Vandy event and to just be me and hopefully connect with someone who is real and who also needs a friend. She's out there somewhere! I have met some great women, for sure. But it just takes time.

And I truly feel like there's a big life lesson in this for me. And I think it's a lesson that God has been working on for a while. And that lesson is that really, truly, I am His. He loves me for me. He is enough. I admit it: sometimes I think, should I do this, be this, act this way to just fit in, be the same, be accepted? And it's tempting. (Here's a shocker: I am not a Southern Belle). Sometimes I feel like I stick out or maybe just fade away. But the same truth keeps coming to me: I am His. He loves me for me. I am secure in Christ. My identity is in Christ. I have, I desire to constantly have, an audience of One. I don't need to be anything but who I am. I don't need to question who I am. I just need to remember that I am His. This has been a big battle for me for many years - I have believed for too long that I'm not good at making friends, that I'm not interesting enough, worthy enough, fun enough, pretty enough. Ugh. What ugly lies. And although it's been hard, the lesson is loud and clear: I am worthy. I am loved. I am His.

"But now, this is what the Lord says--He who created you, O Jacob, He who formed you, O Israel: 'Fear not, for I have redeemed you; I have summoned you by name; you are mine." Isaiah 43:1

"For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height, nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord." Romans 8:38-39

Brothers

Ok, I just copied this from our family blog, but I just feel like it's too funny not to share. I believe there's a repeat picture of J-man, but I'm thinking he's cute, and therefore it's just fine. So, enjoy and if you've already seen it, come back soon :)

_ _ _ _ _

J-man and Duke are brothers. They share the same last name. They are both often prone to silliness. Sometimes it seems like that's where the similarities end. They are so different! Take this little story, for example:

The other day, we walked to the park (because we can go the park in the middle of "winter" around here-crazy). It had rained the night before (I mean, we had experienced our first tornado warning the night before, which did involve a thirty minute stint huddled in the laundry room-which is basically a large closet-fun!) so...there was mud at the park.

J immediately set himself up to stay out of the mud by climbing to the top of the playground and sitting down to enjoy a little picnic with his granola bar and water. He went down the slide once and freaked out because he landed in a puddle, while wearing his rain boots, and got his sock a little wet. He promptly removed the boot and sock and climbed back up to the top to stay out of the mud. If he desired to get anywhere, he would hop on his one dry, booted foot. Mud? No thank you.

Then there's the Duke. When we got to the park, I had just called my dad and was on the phone for maybe three minutes. I was distracted enough to miss Duke's sudden discovery of a large pool of muddy water under the swings. And before I could stop it, he made a bee-line toward that puddle of mud. And so it began...

He danced, kicked, slapped, stomped, laughed, splashed and thoroughly enjoyed the wonderful muddiness. He was soaking wet. He could care less. He had mud splattered across his face and he simply smiled...and yelled a few times, but I'm pretty sure that was because he wanted to scale the playground equipment, probably so he could muddy-up his big brother.

James in his rolling throne...nice and dry.

After a couple more passes, I determined it was time to get going before muddy man turned into cold and chattering man. I gave J-man the traditional we're about to head out warning and he replied with, "but Moooooom! I don't want to sit next to Duke! He'll get me all wet and dirty." To which I replied, "J, I wouldn't let the chariot (our beloved double jogging stroller) get all dirty. You can ride (your highness) and I'll carry the Duke." Notice my concern was solely for the wonderful stroller-not my sons cleanliness. How nice of me.

I stripped Duke to near nakedness, wrapped him in my sweatshirt, carried him, and pushed J in his royal rolling throne, back home.

Upon arriving, J-man asked me to carry him inside-remember, we have only one dry boot on-while his brother squirmed out of my arms, basically naked and officially barefoot, and promptly found a bit of mud to play with on the edge of the driveway.

And then we took a bath.

It amamzes me! They are so different. And that sure makes it fun.

It makes me stop and praise our wonderful Creator. How awesome that we have a God who is so creative, a God who loves our uniqueness and our differences. A God who made us and loves us, just as we are.

Goof Ball #1 = Mr. Clean

Goof Ball #2 = Mr. Mud

I sure adore my boys. They are silly, different, fun, challenging, quirky, interesting, intense, and oh so very unique. And I love them, just as they are.

Some Good Stuff

Things are going pretty well here in the south. How weird is that? We live in "the south". McSweety's latest rotation - Pediatric Surgery - has had its ups and downs. There have been some terrible, yucky weeks and some, "ok, we can handle this" weeks. Apparently, it's been reported that the next rotation shouldn't be that bad, but these days, I just take that to mean, it will be different. But I would like to take a moment and high light this crazy fact: we're half way done with intern year!? Crazy?! I can't believe we've been here seven months and that my super hubby is almost through this bottom of the barrel year. Woo-hoo. Yay, us! I feel encouraged knowing we've made it to this point and I am still excited to see my man at the end of every shift (I started with "day" but that's not always our reality) and we're still being intentional about communicating, spending time together and acknowledging each others needs...all through the grace of God, the solid rock upon which we stand.

And more good news - a church. Finally, a church. I believe we have committed to a church and that's a good thing. It took a lot longer than I had hoped... six months and some 10 + churches later... but I think we're at a place where we're ready to dive in. Of course, it's one of the first few we tried... so a few months and a few released expectations later, here we are! I admit that I still have a little bit of trepidation (will we fit in, will we find community, will the boys like it, will they find little buddies...) but we've always been more of a play the game than a stand on the sidelines kind of family, so it's time for us to get in the game!

I'm planning on joining the "Mom's Group" on Tuesday mornings as a starting point. Would you pray for me? For courage and joy - to show up, intentionally, to be me and to be open to relationships? Thank you! I think it will be a good thing, but again, I admit to having silly fears.

And speaking of silly... can I please tell you that the most ridiculous thing happened last Friday? Schools were cancelled all across Nashville for this:

Oh, man. I drove to work in blizzards and didn't blink an eye. What a odd world we are living in here in the south. I actually made my boys go outside and play (it was cold!) because I don't want them growing up thinking wimpy snow days are the real deal. I know snow days, and this was not one of them.

And of course, a shot of my loves. I just adore these boys! I find them delicious, silly and oh, so wonderful...I can't get enough. This Mama is very blessed.