A year gone by...

Warning... this post may randomly ramble. I've been wanting to take some time to just consider this last year - to really contemplate God's goodness and provision and to see the way He has blessed us. And I'm thinking my thoughts will be all over the place. And I'm lingering here while my buddies both sleep (wow?!) so we'll see how long that lasts... you've been warned.

It's amazing to think that last January we were cooped up in the 70's style apartment with a new little love - just 3 weeks old - and with our future hanging precariously before us. McSweety went on a string of interviews.  I survived days that stretched on with my rambunctious two-year old and a newborn. Thankfully, I had the help and presence of many sweet friends. Thank you.

Fast forward two months (I'm not neglecting those sweet two months in my thoughts... I had a new baby to adore after all) and it's decision time. It's still crazy to think back to those conversations - what will we rank, where will we really go, what does God have planned for us? Amazingly, in a moment of peace that could have only been the product of the Holy Spirit, Reid and I were solid in our choices. I could see the light in his eyes when he talked about Vanderbilt. There was no way I would be the one to put that light out. We were in this together and sometimes together means losing a little bit of yourself for the one you love. From the start, I was game for the adventure, wherever it took us, but the thought of saying goodbye to our life in Utah created an ache that I simply had to ignore - I think our desires don't always line up with the best plans. And so, with total peace, we submitted a list. A list?! That determined our next step. Crazy. And then we waited.

And it felt like waiting, waiting, waiting, as waiting often does... and then it was March 17th. I remember the drive to "Match Day". It was just Reid and I - the boys were riding with my parents who were with us for support - and we were jittery and wondering. And then we were waiting in a big room, listening to some speech that no one wanted to hear, and then finally, it was time. Reid got the envelope and brought it back and handed it to me. Yes, I was shaking. Before I even opened it, I knew: Vanderbilt. I knew without a doubt that my amazing husband had gotten his first choice. And the words on the page confirmed what we already knew. And there were tears - mostly because it was over...the waiting, the wondering. And there was joy and pride and excitement. And there was heartache. We would have to say goodbye.

With resolve, I committed to spending time with friends that I love - as opposed to doing what I was at times tempted to do - to hide, to fade away quietly, to not let my aching heart be exposed to the love that I would leave behind. But without regret (and as much as a rather new mom of two with a inconsistently scheduled hubby can do) we played, and laughed, we went out - the zoo, kindermusik, playdates, parks... and two and a half months flew by.

And then we packed. Ugh. For some reason, I thought I kind of liked moving. Officially, I do not. We sold our house two Aprils ago, moved once, moved again (some of you remember-thanks for helping friends who made a little bit of an unwise choice) and then within 9 months, moved again. Yuck. And we had such help! Amazing. Seriously, amazing. Friends packed boxes, moved furniture, packed more, brought us food, packed more (and we hardly lost anything in the whole process - maybe on another date I'll recount the story of the missing crib bolts and the move-in ready bag of sheets and towels I had prepared)... and the apartment became more and more empty and my heart became more and more tender.

And to add to the heart-ache, here was my sweet son who had just turned three, adoring his best little buds. He loved (and loves still) his little friends...those 3 sweet friends. And you know who you are. The ache I feel from missing your sweet little ones - it has brought me to tears. For a time, I thought about how fun it would be to watch them grow, to talk about starting school, to make choices together about what to do next to help shepherd their little hearts, to know you were in the same boat, that you got me because you were there too. Ugh. He still says to me, "Mama, I miss my Utah friends. Why don't we go to Utah and see them?" Ugh. Such. Heart. Ache. And I know we're still in that boat together, but with distance comes different choices and issues and changes. And that's kind of sucky.

And our new love - the Duke. To just share a glimpse of his life with such sweet friends... and to know I was just getting a glimpse of all these other little ones... oh, the heart ache.

And so... we packed up life and on a Sunday morning, we drove away.

I didn't cry when we left. I thought I would. But I think it was a little too unreal for my tears. It felt like we'd be back after one of our trips to Colorado. And yet, we have not crossed back over that state line, we have not gone back. We have had to go forward.

Then one day, a few weeks later, we got on an airplane, with our stuff in transit somewhere below us, and we flew "home". Now that was weird. And the next day I closed on a house I had never even seen! And then, without friends, with the help of my parents and a few hired hands, we moved in. How weird. And six and a half months have passed and here we are.

This has not been easy. Actually, let me say that a little more truthfully: this has been hard. In fact, I'm going to say that it has been one of the hardest things I have ever done. I just didn't realize how much I loved our life in Utah. I knew I loved our life, but to be removed from it, for it to be suddenly gone... there's a clarity in being able to look in on a situation from which you've been removed.

I fully believe this is exactly where God wants us to be. I have a peace in that. We prayed and He showed up, like He always does. And yet, this is still hard.

I've said it before, but I think I've mostly been surprised at the loneliness. I didn't realize how hard it would be to get connected! I don't work - a huge blessing- but that takes away a whole arena for meeting people; we searched high and low for a church to attend (and after 6 months I THINK we've finally found where we want to be); the mom's I've met though Vanderbilt...some are great, some are so southern (not a bad thing, but I immediately feel like I don't fit), some have their friends and aren't looking for more, and there's the reality that many of them will be gone in May...anyway.  But, there are blessings and bits of hope - an amazing neighbor, a friend with a teaching background who is now "mom", a friend with two little boys (who sadly fall into the category of "gone in May"), a friend to walk with... bits of hope.  And I know good friends take time.  But I'll be totally honest: I don't want it to take time. I want it just to happen right now. I don't want to work at it. I want friends who know me and get me and know my life.

But I know... it takes time. God is with us in this. He has blessed us richly: two wonderful boys, a residency at Vanderbilt, a husband who loves what he's doing even when it's hard, a beautiful home, grass growing in the backyard!, a beautiful place to live with parks and trees and new things to discover and explore, friends in the making, a church, a husband that I just so happen to adore... God, thank you. You are constant and good.

And so... what's next? As an end to my rambling (they're still sleeping!), I'm stating my desires, prayers for this next year:

- To be present...with God, my husband, my children. I want to embrace this experience and this place in our lives. I want to see my husband when he's home. I want to adore my boys daily and with intention. I want to stop and look at their faces, really look, every day. I want to be the one who dictates my to-do list... to not let it dictate me. Mostly, I want to be present in my love of and relationship with the Lord. To show up and know Him first.  My "to-do's" for this: get up and do that quiet time (which I will honestly say I LOVE), to stop and listen to McSweety (not just talk!) and to make those date nights (when we get them) a priority, to make it part of my daily routine to get down and let go and just be with my boys, to set up my to-do list in a way that allows me to dictate when and how I get it done.

-To be adventurous... we've done a pretty good job of getting out and getting to know Nashville. And it's a goal to maintain this sense of adventure as we enter the cold winter of Tennessee (no snow yet). It's good inspiration to get out of the house and do something!

- To be me... I talked with my hubby about this last week and may come back to it for the next post, but I feel like I've lost a little bit of me in this whole process. I don't really get to just be an adult-hardly ever. And that's fine in some ways because it's just a phase, but I also know that I can't lose me. I can't just be in the "mom-box" all the time. I have other boxes that I like to climb into... athlete, artist, friend, volunteer, and even a drinking-a-cup-of-coffee-quietly-and-all-by-myself box. And I think I need to not feel guilty about these desires. God did make me this way! And I want to love and honor Him with my life - and I don't think that happens fully by not being who he made me to be.  I don't quite know how to make this one happen. So I shall ponder it.

I'm going to stop now. If you've read this, you must love me (or maybe you just wondered if I had a point - like continuing to watch a really bad movie, waiting for that moment of redemption).

I have such hope for this New Year. And I know God has been so faithful this past year. Sometimes I forget - when I'm sad and alone in those quiet moments, when I'm inconsistent and human - but ultimately, I remember. He is hope. And so, my prayer for me, my family, for you... is Romans 15:13, "May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit."