My Yucky Voice

"Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building other up according to their needs, that is may benefit those who listen." Ephesians 4:29

I lost my voice.

I have not been able to speak above a whisper as of Saturday morning. Sort of annoying. Sort of challenging. I  have not been able to talk a lot, sing, be heard across a room, explain myself quickly, ask for what I want, order coffee at a drive though, speak loudly at my children, sing worship music at church... it is amazing how much I talk - or make noise, really. This has been a challenge...a convicting challenge.

I talk too much. I talk to fill silence. I talk to be heard. The two ways this has challenged me the most are in conversations with others and in speaking with and to my children.

When I talk to others, am I taking time to hear them, or am I just thinking about what I want to say next? Are my words a benefit to them, or are they just noise? Really? Am I saying something worth saying?

I was able to meet with a friend from high school who was in town and was amazed/ashamed of myself. I found myself straining to talk with her with my yucky, sick voice, but mostly rambling and making noise. I found myself wanting other people in the conversation (not my friend, my own mother-how terrible am I?) to stop talking so that I could be heard - so my horrible, raspy voice could be heard. Fortunately, a thought came upon me in the midst of that conversation... a quiet thought that probably turned into a shout that was probably the prompting of the Holy Spirit: "I value that person. That person is of worth to me." Woah. Really. That was not born within my selfish mind. That's some powerful truth. God values us. Each of us. He knows our worth - He died for each of us, after all. And here I am, wanting others to hush up, so I can be heard. Ugh. How ugly I can be!

And then there's my children. I cannot shout across the room, "J! Buddy - stop that. Be nice! Be kind! What did you do?!" "Duke! No! That's a stop!" Instead, I am forced to approach my children. To go to them, to crouch down and whisper in their ear..."Hey love, let's choose kindness instead. I know you're a big boy who is such a good big bro. So let's choose kindness, ok?" "Hey Duke...come here buddy. That's not for you. That will hurt you." And those whispers have probably been louder than any shouting I have done. The choice to walk across the room instead of just talking louder to be heard, to approach my boys, to talk with kindness and quiet love, to choose my words carefully because my voice will only go so far... to speak words that will truly benefit them.

God, I pray for this to stay with me. I pray that I will get beyond myself and see the worth of all people. I pray that I will value my children and approach them with quiet kindness, with love, with intentional words.

I fear I'll forget this. I fear that my voice will return and I will just talk again. I will speak loudly to be heard. I will shout across a room instead of choosing to stop and go to my child, to any person really, to take their hand and speak words that matter. I pray I will remember their worth. I pray I won't forget this.

I desire to use my words to benefit others. I desire to value people, really, the way they are valued by our Savior. I desire to see beyond myself. God, please change my voice - not just in healing it and giving it back to me, but change my voice, that I may be aware and that my words will be words that speak love, truth, kindness, guidance, acceptance...

"Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building other up according to their needs, that is may benefit those who listen." Ephesians 4:29

Thoughts from the J-man

J-man... oh, how I love this guy.

Yesterday, we were driving home from gymnastics and he randomly asks me, "Mom, where does God live?"
"God lives in heaven, J. He lives there with Jesus. It's awesome - the perfect place."
"Well, where is heaven?"
"We think of heaven as being up in the sky. It's above the clouds."

Silence for a moment.

"Mom, does God have cars?"
"Well...cars are pretty cool things...so sure. There are probably cars in heaven."
"And God has a car?"
"Maybe. That seems pretty cool."

Silence once again.

"Mom. God can't have a car in heaven."
"No?"
"No. He can't have a car. He has an airplane. Cars can't drive in the sky."

Woah. Good point. So practical. Love it.

And then he went on to ask if he could have his costumes with him if we all went to heaven. He was very concerned that he wouldn't have any costumes. I told him he could take them because heaven is a place of happiness and if his costumes were part of him being happy, then they would be there (don't quote me on this or jump into a lecture on the truths of heaven here... he's three.)

He then asked, "But Mom, would I lose them if I dropped them?"

It took me a second to understand... costumes in heaven...in the sky... would they fall through the clouds if he dropped them? Again - good point. So funny.

"No, buddy. You wouldn't lose them. They would just be there and they would be safe. Nothing can fall out of heaven."

That seemed to appease him.

"So, we can all have costumes in heave?"
"Yep."

And then I realized the root of these questions - Halloween. It's been a bit of an obession for him since that big night of candy hoarding. I think he's concerned that he couldn't have Halloween in heaven (oy...a whole other conversation) but really, the issue is the candy.  What he was really asking: will there be candy in heaven. What a funny guy.

Here's the funny man in his Halloween costume. He assured me that he was a nice pirate.

I so appreciate these moments from J-man. He is so smart and funny and creative. I love hearing his thoughts and processing life with him. And I hope to embrace these moments... because I know it won't be long before Mom no longer holds the truth and authority on all things (which will probably be a very good thing in a lot of ways).

I love my J-man. Some days are tough with this guy. He's stubborn and has a red-hot temper.
But I see such strength and power in him - such a big heart. Such compassion. And I pray - daily - sometimes a million times a day, it seems - that God will guide us as we shepard him... to shape his will without breaking his spirit - because he is such fun. He is such a joy. And it's good to stop and remember this as often as possible-because it goes toooooooo fast! So I'm taking time today to pause and just soak in my sweet J-man. I love you, my little buddy.

Loneliness

I think the thing that has surprised me the most in this whole process has been the loneliness. I fully expected busyness, moments (days) of feeling like a single parent, tiredness... but I didn't realize how lonely I would feel at times! I just didn't consider how long days would turn into lonely nights and conversations with little ones would turn into silence at the end of the day. Sure, there are times when I call a friend, a sister-in-law, mom... but other people have lives too! And I think it's not just the nights. It's the day-time when I need my McSweety, but I can't call him. I can't call to chat, to ask about this, to help me decide about that, to tell me what to do about something else. It's all me. And "all me" turns into only me and that's just lonely. So, I make choices, move forward, try this, try that, just decide to do it my way, and we survive. But I happen to be a relational person who likes to do life with my hubby, so it does not come naturally for me to just choose without discussion, ideas, someone to hear my thoughts. And I've just been surprised at how that has turned into loneliness.


I know I am not alone in this. Other wives have echoed this same idea. This challenge. And I am not alone.


And thankfully, I'm reminder that, really, I am not alone. Because I have a God who loves me too much to leave me, to abandon me, to let me be lonely. Yet, at times - I forget how faithful He is. I forget that He's never left me before. He's always here. 


I just read this verse in a book I'm reading as part of a Bible study with other medical wives - Prescription for the Doctor's Wife. So good. But this verse is something I've never caught before: "He who watches over you will not slumber." Psalm 121:3 He doesn't fall asleep on His watch. He never rests. He is always present. So, when I'm lying in bed, with that empty space next to me (which hasn't happened in a few weeks, yay!) there's peace in knowing that God isn't sleeping - He's watching over me. He is with me.


And in this book I've been challenge to remember my history with God. He has never left me all alone. He is with me. And so my hope, my prayer, is that we can remember our history with God. I pray for remembrance of His faithfulness. To not forget that He has not failed me. Ever. And He never will. 

Our Neighbor

We have the best neighbor. 


I had no idea how wonderful it could be to have a great neighbor. And this neighbor is a gift and an answer to prayer - literally (thanks, Kel!). After we had been in our house for three days, there was a quiet knock at the door. I answered it to find a sweet little girl and her mom holding a plate of cookies for us: "We baked these for you and just wanted to come say 'hi'!" And, lo a behold, this sweet little girl just happened to be three years old. A few weeks passed and we saw them outside and talked about getting together to play. And so it began...


Play Dates. Evenings in the cul-de-sac. Laughing. Shared stories. Conversation with an adult! A shared meal. Babysitting (as in swapping hours!!!) More laughing. Hugs. Squeals of delight. Music to my ears.


Pure joy.


It is such a sweet thing to see your child love a friend. To hear them laugh and yell and to see them run, tumble, giggle, ride, draw, wrestle, roll, hug... to be a friend. 


My heart was starting to ache for my J-man. For his little friends so far away. I so badly wanted to hear that sweet laughter of friendship.


And in moments of forgetting that we're going to be ok, that we will find a place here, and that God is going to see us through, the doorbell rings again... and there she is. Three years old and beaming: "Can J come out to play?"


And again, He sustains. 


"Yes, sweet one. We can all come out to play. A thousand times, yes."

Fall in Nashville - A Breathtaking Surprise!

I have been moved to tears - literally! - by the breathtaking beauty of the fall here in Nashville! It is gorgeous in a way that has been fully unexpected. I am a mountain girl! I find the high rocky peaks to be astounding, so I have been shocked at how very gorgeous I have found the fall colors. I know that these pictures will not do it justice, but I just had to try.

I am grateful for this beauty. There is a peace and tranquility to it. There is a stillness. It is evidence - as if it were needed - of the creative and beautiful God who made this place for our enjoyment. How amazing. And isn't it such wonderful evidence of His very existence?!

"For since the creation of the world God's invisible qualities--his eternal power and divine nature--have been clearly seen, being understood from what has been made, so that men are without excuse."  Romans 1:20

And I'm so grateful for the sweet afternoon that I got to spend with my boys last Sunday! There is an awesome park near our house with loads of walking and hiking trails. We just strolled (and ran when J-man shouted, "Run faster! Mommy, you can run faster than Daddy!" - which was quickly followed by, "Daddy, you're the fastest!"). It was such a delight to just enjoy some time with my McSweety and to see the smiles on the faces of my little dudes. So sweet.

May you enjoy the beauty that surrounds you, taking time to praise Him for His creativity!

Running on Empty...Full of His Grace

Yesterday, I was seriously shouting for joy because of an amazing occurrence: the boys napped at the same time. It was a happy accident and I was super excited. And what did I do with my time? Read? Sit? Enjoy a cup of tea? A nap? Nope. I CLEANED!!! This is a crazy thing because 1. I don't like cleaning 2. I was actually excited to clean 3. I was so excited that I cleaned 3 bathrooms, the kitchen, swept, mopped and did some laundry in the hour that was gifted to me. Isn't it amazing what we can do with our time when we just focus and commit?! And then I took a deep breath, because the mess that I had been wading through was gone and things were sparkly. Yay. I was so grateful for this little window of opportunity!

Fast forward about 6 hours, and this was my reality: 10:30 - lay down finally and get super cozy, 10:45 - J-man starts "crying". He has think fake cry that he does sometimes - it's like he wakes up confused, hot, snotty, who knows and his reaction? Screaming tears. So frustrating. I'm talking screaming in mama's face as she's trying to help. Not cool. Finally, calms down only to say, "my leg is itchy." Oh my. Prayers are lifted for calm. And then he's snuggled and happy and lathered with lotion to stop the itchy. And I'm back in bed. 11:45 - J-man starts "crying". Same story. Only this times it's a booger and to J, booger=tragedy. Prayers are lifted for control. Resettled. Back in bed. 1:20 - J-man starts "crying". This time. Literally, after he clams down: "J, why are you crying?" "I don't know." Praying for clam, control and to keep from screaming and storming out of his room, like a 3 year old. Oy. Finally - he sleeps.

3:00 - "The Duke" wakes up crying. Peed through that stinkin' diaper again. Had to use a size 3 because we ran out of 4's. (Yes...my almost 11 month old is wearing a size 4 night time diaper... the same size J was wearing when he was potty-training.) The Duke then thinks it's time to play. And I laugh because he's so cute. But then I realize he seriously thinks it's time to play. So we rock and sing and I attempt to have him snuggle with a fake snuggly - his "Grr-Baby" is soaked with urine. He drops the fakey and stares up at me-seriously, Mama? And so we rock and sing and finally I just have to lay him down. Then he cries. I clean things up in the kitchen while he cries. I check on him. He cries. I fold laundry. I check on him. He cries. I fold more laundry. I think, if he keeps this up I'll be able to tell McSweety "good morning". 4:30... McSweety stumbles out of our bedroom: "What's going on?" (Yes, he slept through all of this. I hoped he had - he's the one who has to keep patients alive on this ICU rotation. I just have to keep our sons alive.) 4:45 - back in bed for two hours of undisturbed sleep. 6:45 - up and at 'em.

So, I was running on empty from the moment I awoke. I prayed my way through this day. We amazingly had breakfast, danced to "I've Been Workin' On the Railroad" three times, met friends at the library for story time (Nashville Library = amazing), took a trip to Costco, had naps...AT THE SAME TIME AGAIN!!! Happy accident. This time I did my Bible study...I needed to be sustained. We played with our neighbor, I made dinner for the boys & I - which we ate at the table, at the same time - cleaned up the kitchen, picked up the play area and made it upstairs  in time to clean up rooms before getting ready for bed... and then, McSweety came home in time to help with bedtime. Hooray. And there were no tears ALL DAY. Now that is some serious Grace. And I am grateful. Only through His Grace did we conquer this day. Thank you, God! Thank for you for giving me just what you promise: "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Thank you, Lord, for your grace. Otherwise, we would not have survived this day.

And now...Here's to sleep.

And so it begins...

I am blogging. This is not just an obvious statement of my actions. This is a commitment. I am blogging. I am going to do this. It's been on my mind for a while. Yes, we have the family blog, but something about it feels stifiling. Like it's suppose to just be pretty and perfect. Like I can't really just type away and share the real stuff. Like it's the stuff of happy moments, pretty pictures and perfect joy. But come on, that's not real. We are not pretty and perfect people - at least not all the time! And in this time of change, I'd like a place to just share about this journey...about God's work in our lives... about trusting Him, loving Him, knowing Him. McSweety & I have said from the beginning of this whole process that our desire is to survive and thrive. So many people have shared of struggles, hardships, ugliness, divorce... encouraging, right? But we have a God that is bigger than all of that. We have a Savior. We have a Rock. And we are His.

I remember a woman coming up to me as we were in the midst of our move - a doctor's wife. She came up and embraced me... how sweet... and then said to me... "I'm sorry. This is going to be such a hard time in your life." Not sweet. At all. In fact, somewhat discouraging. But, my immediate thought: God is on our side. He is with us in this. He will sustain.

And one last thing... I have a tendency to believe, at times, that I have nothing to say. Or at least nothing worth saying (let's be honest, I have a lot to say, but does what I say matter, does it benefit those who listen?) And maybe no one will listen/read. Maybe this will just be a place for me to come and share...because, at the moment, I have no dear friends to call up and say, meet with me, linger with me, listen to my life, face to face...which I pray will come... but I believe I have dear friends who will meet me right here, who are a phone call away, who would be here in a moments notice if I really needed them. Thank you, friends...since we're miles apart, maybe you'll meet me here, linger with me, be a part of this journey. Maybe something I will say will be worth reading. Maybe not. I will doubt the worth of the time spent here. I will doubt that anyone really cares. But I will come and share. Because I need to share, I think, in order to survive this...in order to thrive.